Wednesday, December 3, 2008

December is most definitely the month…

I have been getting questions as to when Radar will be making his grand entrance (or exit if you want to think of it the slippery, slimy way). There have even been a couple of snide, selfish remarks stating a wish that he might hold out until Jan 1 so that he can be born in 2009, the 200th anniversary of Charles Darwin’s birth. Now as quaint as that might be, it just ain’t gonna go down like that Javier. So, as an update for anyone wondering, the plan goes as such:

The When

  1. Radar already weighs somewhere between 6.5 and 7 lbs (estimated of course).
  2. This coming Monday, December 8, I will officially be full term and if Radar gets impatient he could make his debut at any time.
  3. My doctor and I have agreed that if Radar doesn’t make his move, we will try to induce labor on either the 15th or the 22nd. The date depends on a bunch of yicky, girly things that none of you need to hear about right now.
  4. Radar’s “official” due date is the 29th. My doctor and I have agreed that if for some reason we can’t induce on the 15th or 22nd, and if Radar has not made his own move, we will force the issue on the 29th. The reason being that older moms, like aged old me, are more prone to some problems, such as a failing placenta, so he absolutely doesn’t want to let me go past 40 weeks (which is the “official” due date of the 29th) and I agree.
  5. That last scenario is not likely since Radar is already big enough and mature enough to hang with us air breathing types on the outside!

The How

  1. I fully intend to attempt a natural (ie, vaginal) birth with no pain medications. The principal reason is that I really like to complain and if I’m doped up so that I can’t feel the glorious and beautiful pain of the miracle of childbirth (think pooping a cantaloupe or for you boys, perhaps peeing out a baseball), then I won’t have the chance to complain about it.
  2. From what I’ve read, induction involves shooting me up with synthetic versions of the hormones that cause dilation and contractions – since they’re not natural, they tend to work more dramatically, causing even more pain than the natural ones (yippee!!)
  3. I hear that many women poop on the delivery table during labor. This concerns me because although Fantango seems to have no problem pooping on tables (see famous picture from 2006), I have thus far in my life been able to maintain pooping dignity. Perhaps I’ll try an enema before labor.
  4. If induction does not work or if the baby is in any distress, I have no problem with the doctor quickly slicing me open to get Radar (although for this I might cave on the whole “no pain meds” thing).

Any way you slice it or dice it, Radar will be here in 2008… not to spite Javier (although that’s a fine bonus) and not for the tax benefit (also a nice bonus), but because that’s just how it’s going to be.

We’ll keep you posted as we learn more in the coming days…

Love,

Titi and Radar

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope that the underwhelming pain of childbirth bitterly disappoints you, so you have nothing to complain about. Suck it up and take the drugs, loser! Just promise me it won't be a "silent birth". I want you to scare every other woman in that ward out of their mind. Good luck with the birthing, we're all rooting for you. Love... Marco

Radar's Mom said...

Marco,

I am going to be so freakin' stoic that people will be talking about it for years to come. "Do you remember that girl who went through the 80 hour excruciating labor without ever complaining and with a smile on her face the whole time?"

or

After 4 minutes of pain, I'm going to be cursing up a storm that would embarrass even my mom, and violently lashing out at anyone that dares utter a condescending word of encouragement to me and threatening vicious, unrepentant murder if drugs are not administered immediately.

I really only see those two scenarios as possible.