Dear family and friends,
This morning in my e-mail inbox, I received some very unsettling news. I guess the easiest way to explain is to post the text of the e-mail:
"Hello... you may not know, but i'm holding your dear cousin Antonio prisoner... If you want to see him... (next year or so) you're going to have to comply with certain demands I have!
First of all... Antonio is a very sleepy prisoner, and I need to keep him awake for him to enjoy all the tortures I have planned for him... (like sending him on really long and boring missions or sitting on a guard tower watching the flies battle each other...) In order to do this, I need some energy drinks! I know they're not very healthy but what do I care... i'm a very mean person! If you don't like that idea, a cheap espresso machine would do wonders. (that needs to come with an unlimitted supply of coffee too!)
Also, I need to keep Antonio healthy and clean, and given that I myself am pretty filthy, there's not too much I can do about that! There's some American stuff that might help... I hear him call it baby wipes or hand sanitizer, what can that be? I use my goat every day and so far, so good!
Antonio's also a little crybaby, claims he wants to hear from his family, so letters are most welcome, with funny pictures and such... If you don't send them, I'll make them up myself, and I'm a poor writer, so don't test me! These letters can come in packages full of goodies... not for him, but for me and my family of 25 cousins! We live in the same hut and keep Antonio outside, tied to the same pole as my goat. They've become quite fond of one another!
Antonio says you very powerful person in America and know many people with lots of money! You may chose to tell other people about these demands, in order to facilitate the process.
You don't have much time, so get started!
So in summary, in order to secure the release of our dear cousin, we will need to provide the following ransom payments:
- energy drinks
- cheap, stove-top espresso pot
- bags of ground espresso beans, (maybe packets of sugar)
- baby wipes
- hand sanitizer
- personal letters to Antonio with funny pictures
- assorted goodies (candy bars, energy bars, trail mix, nuts, etc, etc.)
We here at Radar Love take these demands very seriously and will be complying immediately. I have Antonio's original post linked over on the sidebar >>>>>>>>>
under his deployment counter with the title "Antonio's contact info in Iraq". For anyone who's never sent a package to an APO address, it's just like sending to another US state, only that city and state are APO, AE. You can even order stuff online (as I have done) and have it shipped to his address.
Of course joking about a kidnapping in Iraq is perhaps in poor taste, but as the country is quite a bit safer than in the past and being that familia Pazos often exhibits poor taste, I've decided to go forward with this post. But to be clear, Antonio is just fine! And except for being bored, lonely, dirty, hungry and sleepy, things couldn't be better for him and his guys!
Lots of love,
Titi and Radar
PS - We love you Antonio!!!! Be happy and be safe... goodies are on the way!!!